Bios – You Gotta Love ‘Em, Hate ‘Em, or Make Fun of ‘Em.

While at the Austin International Poetry Festival last week, John Milkereit, one of the Open Mic readers at Kick Butt Coffee, read a poem so funny I asked permission to post it on this blog.  The only part you are missing is his total deadpan delivery so picture it. 

His explanation for this poem was that he was tired of his own bio, so he just came up with a new one. It is about 80% “found” as he just cut up some bios out of an old anthology and turned it into one person. 


 The Bio

I created this literary magazine,
therefore, submitting here is a given
because I’m a word-maker-upper. 

Fragments in the Lives of Mythological
Gods was nominated for a Pushcart Prize
and doing this has unleashed
other nominations. 

Currently, I’m a first year PhD candidate
and understand the power of language
and how it’s used. 

My poodles have won costume prizes.
I groom them myself if I’m not
studying and practicing Buddhism, 

or skiing on slopes of hotdog
wordslinging. I usually
paint in mud. 

Before that, I was a film actress
and a foreign ambassador to Tahiti, 

but my focus has shifted lately to
photography which reveals the mystery
of hair on the back of peoples’ necks. 

Ten years after high school, I fell
apart, being paranoid is no big deal. 

Now I’m protected by mirrors
and friends both two and four legged. 

I’m ready to face my brother and sister
now that the pieces are on paper. 

Coffee really helps with the demons.
And the poems just speak for themselves.


Real Bio:  John Milkereit has been writing poetry since 2005 after taking a seminar at his local church.  During the day, he is a rotating equipment engineer at an engineering firm in Houston.  His first two chapbooks, Paying Admissions, and Home & Away, were published by Pudding House in 2010.  His work has also appeared in previous Di-Verse-City anthologies as well as other publications.

Tobi Cogswell did nothing but format this post.  She is a two-time Pushcart nominee and a Best of the Net nominee.  She is the co-editor and co-publisher of San Pedro River Review (  She’s going to go do some submissions now.