Dear Valued Customers,
I get so many fine letters from you people, I felt it would be a nice gesture to write one to all of you in the interest of clearing up this question of what color I am. Before I get to that, though, I want to take the pulpit for a moment and explain some things about the struggles of my race. The corporate race. As the founder and CEO of Santa Corp and the embodiment of that corporation and all of its subsidiaries I am first and foremost a person. Citizens United granted us personhood and we are eternally grateful for that. As a race, corporations have long been the most disenfranchised of all the huddled masses yearning to be free to donate money to political candidates. We weren’t even thought of as human. Can you imagine what that was like? To be thought of as something less than human. Even now there’s plenty of small-minded racists out there who would challenge our personhood. The struggle will never truly end. Behind our backs people use slurs, calling us “money-bags”, “fat-cats”, and most offensive of all, “muckety mucks.” I cringe as I dictate these words. Rest assured we corporations are taking these terms back. Just the other day I saw another CEO I’m friendly with in the parking lot of the club.
“What-kety up, muckety muck?” I said as we calmly shook hands.
“My mucker,” he replied in greeting, using the two-handed shake to show his sincerity. Now that was one smooth fat-cat.
Just so we’re clear, it’s okay when we say it, not you.
We’ve been treated abominably but we persevere. We have franchises in every major mall in America for Christ’s sake. People bring their children to sit in those franchises’ laps. Of course corporations are people. If you can sit in its lap, it’s people. Santa Corp is a multi-million dollar holiday industry and mega-conglomorate and yet some people act as if we were no better than a common elf. A dirty, stinking, shifty-eyed elf.
Now, I have nothing against elves in general. Some of my best friends are elves. They don’t come to my house or anything but I exchange pleasantries with them in the elevator when I see them, or when they caddy for me at the club. So it’s not that I don’t like them but, c’mon, we all know what I’m talking about here, right? Bunch of elves riding around, fourteen of them in the front seat of a sleigh. Sure, fourteen of them fit up there comfortably but, seriously, why is the backseat even there if you’re not going to use it? And what’s with leaving the bell on the end of their elf hats? The bell is just on there when its in the store, you’re supposed to take it off after you buy it and start wearing the hat. For some reason they think it’s cool to leave it on. Drives me insane, that non-stop jingling whenever a group of them comes into a restaurant or something.
Santa Corp employs elves, of course, they’re fine little workers. (Just a quick note for our shareholders: They’re are no elves in upper management, don’t worry. This is a business, not a pan-ethnic holiday card.) Half the time, though, I don’t think they even appreciate the jobs we make them do. They complain about the work-load, the hours, the conditions, the lack of medical, dental, or vision, and the pay. Oh God do they complain about the pay. Look, we tell them, some very smart people sat down and invented the Furby. That’s the hard part, right? Now all you have to do is spend eighteen hours a day assembling all the parts. Two candy canes an hour is all that job is worth. And you’re all the size of a beagle, how much space do you really need to work? Fourteen of you fit in the front of a sleigh so why are you complaining about four hundred of you working on an eight hundred square foot factory floor? That’s two feet per elf! Plenty of room. And I’m sick of this fire code nonsense about no windows or fire escapes. You’re not supposed to be smoking in there anyway.
The thing that really gets my goat, though, is the way elves take advantage of the system. Just glom onto it and let it take care of them. That’s the thing right there that really irks me about them, if you must know. It’s not like I’m anti-elf, but I have a real problem with people who manipulate the system for their own needs.
So like I was saying, Citizens United finally granted the corporate race our rightful status of being a person. Finally this caged bird sings in the open, unshackled by oppression. And as a person Santa Corp is now finally able to participate in that noblest of all American freedoms: electioneering through exorbitant monetary political donations to key candidates that will provide the necessary legislation to keep this gravy train of consumer excess running at top speed from Black Friday right up to Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ’s birthday. Big thanks to J.C. by the way, the straw-horse that makes this buffet of money possible. So now, the question at hand. What color is Santa?
Not Al Gore green. Not Bob Marley green. Not Kermit the Frog easy-being-green. But straight up cash money green. I said straight up making it snow up in here over all these dirty little stripper elves GREEN, baby. Holla!
Wishing You the Merriest Christmas Ever,
Founder and CEO of Santa Corp
dictated but not read
P.S. I learned the word “holla” just the other day. I quite like it. I picked it up from the colored elf who brings my sleigh around for me. That one’s okay, but in general the colored elves are the worst. All covered head to toe in finger paint like that. Elves. Yeesh.